Warning!

Let me preface this by saying I am not a smoker; never have been, never will be. I hate smoking. Smokers, even the ones I love, smell. A hug from a smoker is enough to make my nostrils twitch and wake up the desire to cough no matter how many antihistamines and steroids I have pumped into my body that day. I am all for putting whatever disgusting picture on the packs of cigarettes necessary to discourage anyone from ever picking up the filthy habit and inflicting it on the rest of us, with one caveat: those pictures make me sick. I HATE that commercial where the “poor” guy is wheezing and dying slowly from his lifelong disgusting habit. It makes me gag. That said, I’m wondering if similar dissuasion should be placed on some of the thing I am addicted to: things like chocolate.

I have been taking off the same ten pounds since New Year’s Day. I take off ten, put on 4, take off 2, put on three, take off 4… you get the picture. The culprit is chocolate. I cannot resist it. If it is in the house it is in my mouth. And once I start, I cannot stop. I cannot have just one piece. A bag of M&Ms is crack. CVS put the leftover Valentine’s Day candy on sale and I bought a bag of the cherry ones for $.99, took them home, opened them up, and before the day was out I was back at the store for four more bags. I hide them in the closet over the stove. I challenge myself not to open a bag for once they are open they are inhaled. Dark chocolate is my nemesis. I know, it is supposed to be good for you. Perhaps it is… for those people who can eat a serving. I eat a serving, carefully unwrapping the foil, rewrapping it and sliding it back into the paper sleeve. Then I go back, slide it out again, carefully unwrap the foil, get another serving, rewrap, go back again, tear open the sleeve and the foil and devour the rest of the bar. Candy should come with a warning similar to those on cigarettes. “This is your body on chocolate!” When you reach a certain age, even if you take off the weight, the skin just stays there, loose, a reminder of your debauchery. Once you stretch out, you can never again be the hard-body you were at 25. Some say motherhood might have something to do with it but I got my body back after birth. You do not get it back after chocolate.

So I will keep ‘dieting’. I will keep resisting only succumbing at weak moments. I will try not to buy it and will stay out of CVS after Easter. But just know, when all else fails, there is “Spanx”.