Uncertainty

What was that expression; “When money goes out the door, love flies out the window?” My grandmother had a million of them…expressions, that is. But this one, these days, is striking close to home.

So many of my friends are literally falling apart in these difficult days, watching what they have built evaporate, seeing our jobs and prospects disappear. We’re actually in better shape than some of them because we’ve been living like that for years with intermittent spells of doing okay. Actors: we’re a hearty if somewhat insane bunch.  But we too are struggling. Those eleventh hour jobs that always seemed to crop up when we needed them have evaporated. Attempts to get into the workforce on either a full or part time basis have proven futile. Nobody wants people our age when they can get younger, healthier people who are just as desperate, and that is IF they are hiring to begin with. As the days pass with increasing uncertainty about our ability to survive them, the dynamic gets testier. Small tasks seem insurmountable. The crumbling driveway needs resurfacing. The autumn leaves, heavy with Saturday’s day-long downpour, resist the leaf blower and just lay there… like us, too burdened to get up.

Medication helps. The highs are not as high but the lows are not nearly as low, and since the lows are much more frequent companions, I forbid myself to miss the rush of adrenalin that would accompany the occasional boon.  Those nearest to me who are NOT on medication are bouncing up and down like the ball on Mitch Miller. The more level I stay the higher and lower these surrounding balls seem to bounce. It seems the only thing I can do to stop them is to scream, thus clearing the room and giving me uncomfortable, undesired silence.  Love may conquer all, but it can use a little help in the battle.