Transformation and Cats

Monday is New Years Day. Well, technically, it is Tuesday, and only if you consider that Passover, also known as Pesach, is also known as Hag ha-aviv, the Festival of the Spring. As it falls on the 15th of the month of Nissan, and Nissan is the first month of the Hebrew calendar, it is considered the beginning of a new year. This makes so much sense to me. Look around! Everything is budding! The birds are back; I can hear them rustling through the trees, building nests and getting ready for all those bird-babies! There were squirrels and chipmunks out back this morning running riot in anticipation of the warm seasons. It is a time for rebirth and renewal and I am climbing on board.

I made an appointment with an attorney to start a not-for-profit performing arts organization. Why not?! I’ve been working for others for years; have witnessed greed, egotism, lack of foresight and sometimes utter lack of taste. I have been lauded and fired. If I emerged with anything other than a bloody nose and wounded spirit, it is a reputation for quality and integrity. It is time to put those on the front burners and banish my cowardice to the rear… or the trash can!

First decision: should I call it PAN (Performing Arts of Newtown) or Stray Kats Productions? (Feel free to way in on this, oh loyal followers.) Okay, the first is obvious, and probably the better choice since it represents instant recognition. But the second is taken from my husband’s and my last names: Striano and Katcher. In addition, something of a phenomenon has been happening around my house in the appearance of several feral cats that stroll up my driveway and around to the back woods, lounge on my wood pile, hunt for mice, and generally tolerate my presence in what has become for them an everyday path. Being a dog-lover, I have never been comfortable around cats. They scare me. I don’t speak “cat”. But there is one, a soft, grey cat who approaches closer than the others and is the most frequent visitor to my rear deck, who looks at me with the same curiosity and fear that I have for it (Him? Her?) that I can’t help thinking is some sort of totem.

(Found at Sayahda.com) “According to author Ted Andrews of Animal Speaks, cats... are associated with myth and lore, magic and mystery. Nine lives (I seem to reinvent myself every few years), curiosity, independence, cleverness, unpredictability and healing... Cats have more rods in the retinas of their eyes which enable them to see effectively in the dark. The dark is often associated with mankind's fears.(Loaded with those fears!) Since the cat is at home in the dark, it serves as a valuable ally into the world of the supernatural and the unknown and can help those with this totem move through their fears efficiently. (Very helpful when you don't quite know where you are going.)

The energy field of a cat rotates is a counterclockwise direction, the opposite of a human energy field. Because of this, cats have the ability to absorb and neutralize energy that affects humans in a negative way. This is part of the healing medicine that the cat holds. (Hmmmm...)

If something affects you in a negative way place a cat on your lap or find a cat to pet. Your energy field will immediately realign itself and inner balance will be restored. (Gotta catch the cat first.)

Because of their x-ray vision, acute hearing and high intelligence they were used throughout history as guardians and protectors. In ancient Egypt cats guarded the temple gates and were used to ward off evil. (Ah, a common thread! Cats: Egypt: Passover!)

If cat appears in your life the blending of magic and mystery is at hand. A trustworthy teacher, the cat will guide you into the world of self discovery and transformation.”

Wow! I can use some healing and transformation!!!!

Okay, so I’ve gone from Pesach to totems in three paragraphs. Clearly I’m a person in search of meaning in my life. Perhaps this is it.

I'm done!

I give up. I just lost out on a role because I “looked too young”. Then they cast someone who is about 10 years younger than I am. I should be flattered but I am so pissed off that vanity can’t get a toe-hold in my dark mood. What’s the point of anything? What’s the point of dieting to be thinner? Of using face cream to keep those wrinkles away? I should just blow up and look like shit and maybe then I could catch a break! By the time I get to play roles my age I'll be too old and feeble to learn the lines!

I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been too long and my arms are tired from treading all this water. I need to let go but letting go means surrendering to a power I no longer believe in. When I hung up the phone having received this left-handed compliment I drained the remaining ice-cream in the freezer and polished off the rest of last night’s bottle of wine. Stick a fork in me; I’m done.

Lucky Me

My husband won the lottery. Don’t get too excited; he won $56 on a combination of three scratch-offs. Okay, it’s a lot better than nothing which is what you usually get on these things. It’s even better than a $2.00 winner which essentially allows you to purchase another ticket and lose your money later rather than sooner. But forgive me if I don’t get all rah rah, ya ya, ga ga (he’s also obsessed with Lady Gaga) over it. You see, I need a few more zeroes to get really excited. But not him. He was thrilled. “We won the lottery!”

He said we didn’t win more because, when I scratched off the second of two consecutive cards he purchased, I casually said this one wouldn’t be a winner and he said I was being negative but really, do they ever put two winners in a row? That’s not cynicism; that’s pragmatism. So is there something wrong with me or is there something wrong with him?

My friend Chris recently sent me a link to this Facebook page, “ShitMyDadSays”. My favorite quote was, "No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist." I learned tonight that I have been appointed to our local Arts Commission, an appointment that comes packed with the caveat that a member cannot benefit from their position. Right off the bat, this means giving up two potential sources of income, small as they are, and they are small. Isn’t that funny?

Still, it would be so nice to be able to expect good fortune; to somehow catch a break. I admire my husband’s spirit, even if I think he’s slightly insane. I think it’s all that hard work he’s doing, trying to keep us afloat during these difficult times. He’s exhausted and it is well known fact that exhaustion can produce delusions. Which is why, when he called me from work tonight to tell me he’d won the lottery again, I was delighted to learn he’d scratched off another $2.00. As long as he’s happy.