My mother thought it was a good idea to forward an email to me containing a “Human Life Expectancy” chart. You simply plug in your biological age and it tells you when you are going to die. The subject line of the email says “Not Humor” in case you are one of those who automatically delete the thousands of jokes that circulate cyberspace, landing on your screen so many times you’d swear they were written by Henny Youngman. There is nothing funny about this chart. It is simple. It is cold. I have 20 years and that’s it. My husband has 18 years but, since he is three years older than I am, that means I only have two years without him to look forward to. Not that I am looking forward to being without him, but if it happened when I was younger, then maybe there’d be some fun in my future. As it stands, I see a vista of lonely evenings, watching TV (Thank God for TiVo), waiting for children and grandchildren to call… Oh, God! I’m turning into my Bubby!
This chart pissed me off! 20 years? Why, I have a good mind to kill myself right now just to prove it wrong!
Life is so short! I’m just starting to get the hang of it. My 20/20 hindsight has kicked in and I see every mistake I ever made so clearly! Perhaps the approaching end is a good thing. Only 20 more years until I get to start over, reincarnated as someone who gets their shit together at an early age. Or I could come back as a slug. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be an animal, with no concerns other than finding food, birthing babies and dodging predators.
20 years, hmmm… That’s 20 Christmas dinners:
1. Ham
2. Turkey
3. Chinese food
4. Maybe a goose
Repeat above list 4 more times.
20 birthdays
20 times to say “I don’t want a party”
20 times to say “I don’t need anything”
20 bad gifts
20 anniversaries (Oops, 18. See above.)
Perhaps knowing your expiration date is a good thing because you can plan. For example, Mom’s expiration is in 7 years. I will make sure nor to leave the country. I will not need life insurance until 2028. Think of the fortune I’ll save in premiums! I’ll take out a billion dollar policy on my husband in 2026. Who cares if it costs $10,000 a month? It’s a short-term investment! Perhaps someone will email me a chart that tells me what month we will all die! Then I can further focus my investment on that season, knowing that these things can’t be all that specific. If I make enough on him I won’t even need insurance of my own to leave an inheritance for my kids. Or better yet, I’ll insure myself for their inheritance and spend all the money I get from my husband on travel and fancy restaurants for me and my aide!
It’s liberating to know exactly when you will shuffle off to Buffalo or whatever it is one does to that mortal coil! To know that I won’t have to eat cat food well into my 90s. It’s liberating, I tell you… and it’s bullshit.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Hi Kate,
ReplyDeleteI am convinced that we are not predestined to die at any time. Except for unanticipated accidents and rare diseases that are not preventable, we have the power to live long healthy lives. The Taramahara Indians of Mexico, the Okinawans (Japan) and a few other cultures have a high percentage of people living healthfully over 100 years by eating a very healthy plant based diet and exercising at least moderately. My doctor argues that our bodies are meant to live well beyond 100 years. The problem is we speed up the aging process by eating terrible diets and being sedentary.
Research is pointing to the fact that calories restriction has promise in extending our lives. Animals fed a diet with 30% fewer calories than normal have fewer chronic diseases and live much longer. I don't do calorie restriction, but I am convinced that heart disease (#1 killer), cancer (#2 killer), stroke (#3 killer) and diabetes (#6 killer can be almost completely eradicated with an excellent plant based diet. We can make the lifespan charts null and void.
Our best to you and Don
Howard
I keep trying to get to those veggies. Ever hear the story of the man who dies at age 102? He finally gets to heaven and is welcomed with open arms for having lived such an exemplary and healthy lifestyle. St. Peter personally shows him around heaven: the buffets of rich foods, fatty meats, creamy desserts. At firstthe man is reluctant to parttake. His wife had him on a calorie resticted, plant rich diet and that is why he lived so long. St. Peter assures him that it i all right now; he's in heaven. He can eat whatever he wants and he'll still live for all eternity. The man goes crazy! "That stupid bitch," he screams, "I could have been here 40 years ago."
ReplyDelete