Nothing to Say

Well, that was depressing. 6-1 against the team from the City whose biggest contribution of the last hundred years has been the cheesesteak, the very thought of which turns my stomach. I’m borrowing from David Ives who sums up Philadelphia in a brilliant one-act play called, oddly enough, “The Philadelphia”. It is not a good place to be. I have to remind myself that even when these guys lose, they are making more money than I have ever seen. So take a pill, go to sleep and remember, tomorrow is another day. And please don’t call to commiserate! I have nothing to say.

My favorite thing about the internet and email and this whole new way we have of communicating with each other is that you don’t have to talk to anyone when you don’t want to. When we have something to say we can say it at any hour of the day or night. Press a button and the message goes out to be received by recipients who will open the message when they want to. It is a non-invasive means of communication. It does not interrupt you with insistent ringing when you’re watching a movie. It does not want to make you beat out your brains over the same mind-numbing dialogue: How are you? I’m fine, how are you? I’m fine, how’s everybody else? They’re fine… and so on and so on and so on…

I am a graduate of the “No News Is Good News” School of Thought. But I come from a family who was only able to move off the same block because the telephone was invented. Then they called each other every day; actually, several times every day! What are you doing? Nothing. What are you doing? I’m going out. Call me when you get back. I just called to say I’m back… and so on and so on and so on…

And what’s up with “the call to say hello?” Did you ever get one of those? “Hello. I just called to say hello.” Does that mean the conversation is over? My Dad was great. I don’t think he ever had a phone conversation that lasted more than 15 seconds. If you wanted to speak to him you sort of had to be in the same room, and even then, you were competing with the NY Times Crossword Puzzle or a deck of cards for his attention. If you wanted his attention, you had to be interesting. He required constant mental stimulation so these asinine non-conversations were simply beyond his ability to cope. I admired his candor. Nothing to say? Okay, goodbye. Simple. Clean. I am cursed with his low tolerance for boredom but not blessed with his forthrightness. Seriously, if there is nothing interesting to report, let's make stuff up! Guess what happened to me; I robbed a bank! I drove through a plate glass window! I bungee jumped off the George Washington Bridge! I won the Nobel Prize; yeah, I was surprised too! When you start a conversation with, "I haven't spoken to you in days" and then go on to inform me that you have nothing to say, understand that perhaps THAT is the reason we haven't spoken. Since I didn't initiate the call, it stands to reason that nothing has happened to me either so there is nothing to talk about. Trust me, when I have great news, I will call! Until then, I will email. And I will know you are all right because I will continue to receive the forwarded jokes, solicitations, video clips, and old news in my inbox.

I know I am probably condemning myself with this post to a lonely life where no one ever calls me again. But the good news is we’re all on Facebook now! And there’s nothing mind-numbing there…right?