Bathroom Matters

My telephone comes equipped with a unique feature: bathroom radar. It can be quiet all day long and the moment I sit down on the toilet, it rings. This feature can be turned off by taking the phone into the bathroom with me. It’s like carrying an umbrella when it’s cloudy; a sort of insurance policy. As an umbrella is to the rain, so is a phone to the bathroom to getting a call; if you have it, you won’t need it. The equation is written like this:

My cousin seems to have done me one better by actually installing a wall phone within easy reach of the john. I laughed when I first saw it but then I realized she was my cousin after all and that explained it. My family seems to have an uncanny (that’s a pun) gift for calling when it is most inconvenient to call. For example, I was at Hooters the other day (see previous post for details) killing time, drinking beer while waiting for my husband to call and tell me when to pick him up. I had the cell phone set to vibrate because it was so noisy there. I had been waiting and drinking for about two and a half hours and my bladder was about to burst. So I went to the bathroom and hung my purse on the door of the stall. It was a big stall, and the door was about five feet from the john. Suddenly, my purse started vibrating!
“Now he calls?!”
I shuffled to the door, my pants around my ankles. Jiggling my purse to find the phone loosened the latch and the door swung open. So I’m trying to close the door, pick up my pants and answer the phone. Luckily no one was there to witness my dilemma but the notion that someone COULD come in only increased my panic. It was my brother.
“Hello. How are you?”
Our brief conversation was punctuated by an undisguised flush but he didn’t notice. In my family, bathroom matters are taken in stride. Many a dinner conversation has devolved into a discussion unfit for dinner conversation in a normal home.
“I have a headache.”
“How are your bowels?”
The people in my family fall in to one of two categories; those who can’t stop going and those who can’t go at all. It’s really more than any one wants to know and yet there it is; number 2 on the all time favorite topics list. Number 1 is food. But that’s another story.