When I started writing, everyone told me to “write about what you know.” Several years ago, a mentor told me, “Write as if no one will ever read it.” Somewhere in between these two statements is the tightrope I’m walking. Comedians walk the tightrope with snowshoes, trampling over their loved ones, exploiting relationships for a laugh. It’s hard to imagine that Henny Youngman, after a night of “Take my wife… please”, ever went home and got laid. But some things are just funny. For example, we were just watching TV and my husband responded to a commercial saying, “I’m smarter than a 5th grader!” I quickly responded, “Which one?” Let me quickly add, since I know he’ll be reading this, that my husband IS smarter than a 5th grader, or at least most of them!

And there we are, back at the crux of my fear. What if I hurt someone?! Family, if you are reading this, you are all hysterically funny! One relative calls to tell me his doctor did a sonogram and said he can go dancing. Another calls to tell me nothing and then sums it up by saying, “Well, that’s about it.” Let’s talk more!

And what’s up with refrigerator magnets? I have a small collection from places I’ve never been given to me by people who are close enough to believe they need to bring me a gift but don’t really know what to bring. In all fairness, I am guilty of doing the same thing to the same people but, in my defense, I actually thought they LIKED refrigerator magnets! And it’s not that I don’t cherish them; I LOVE them- I would never, for instance, think of putting them on the door of the freezer in the basement instead of in the kitchen – it’s just that I would like to go somewhere myself someday and they are a painful reminder of how remote a possibility that is.

Seriously, I love you all but don’t feel the need to bring me something every time you go away… unless it’s something really cool… or edible. Just go and enjoy yourself! If I ever do get to go someplace, I don’t really want to spend my time shopping, especially for other people. I want to see things and create memories. If I find something that I think someone would like, and if I can afford it, okay. But the problem with gifts is that when you find something you like for one person, you then have to find things for everyone else, and suddenly you’re trolling for ‘chatchkies’ and wind up with a suitcase full of refrigerator magnets! Have I hurt you? I am so, so sorry!!!!

The internet has given us a tremendous forum for sharing things with people that they don’t really need to see: 187 pictures of your family vacation; 75 pictures of the baby’s first bowl of cereal (not my grandchild; those are priceless); 131 pictures of your friends and new relatives I’ve never met at parties I wasn’t invited to; 15 pix of the beer-pong party in MY living room when I wasn't home;YouTube postings of your three hour layover at some airport (if you think you were bored, why would you think we want to watch that?) YouTube postings of every play you’ve ever done. (By the way, some of those plays are mine and I don’t appreciate having my intellectual property blasted into cyberspace without being paid. But I love you and appreciate you wanting to share!)

In short, I would like to express my apologies in advance to everyone I have ever known who may wind up on these pages somehow. I will try to protect your anonymity but you may know, or think you know who you are. You could be wrong. Maybe I’m just making it all up.